As summer approaches, articles on how to save money written by rich people unaware of their own wealth will inevitably increase. After reading this useless crap I asked around as well as compiled some tips that may or may not have helped or will help me not spend as much money in NYC without wanting to die. Disclaimer: These tips probably won’t help very much, especially if you already want to die.


If you’re a girl, you can probably get a free drink from some guy if you sit alone at a bar for a long enough period of time. But it’s not nice to use people, especially if they’re lonely, and  it probably won’t make you feel good either.  Besides, if you’re like me, you’ll end up talking to him for a good portion of the night even if you don’t want to- which will culminate into a late night facebook friend request that you feel obligated to accept, which means he will read all of your stupid status updates and photos, and  continuously keep asking you out via internet messages every few weeks or so until you finally muster the courage to say “NO!”.  So instead, buy a handle of the cheapest type of your favorite hard-liquor for $20 or less and bring a flask of it with you when you go out with your friends (the handle  should last at least a month or two so don’t go too crazy).  Order sodas or tonic waters all night (or pineapple juice if you feel like splurging….mmm) , and make sure to mix your drink in the bathroom to avoid getting kicked out.  Can’t afford a flask? Water bottles work too.


I have survived for months on rice, beans, spinach, eggs and potatoes alone, without wanting to kill myself. It’s delicious!   Also, a tip from A Good Friend Of Mine: If you feel extra productive, check the HRA  website and see if you qualify for food stamps as it is important to be aware of, and take advantage of  the resources that are available to you. Another tip From A Friend: If you’re really keen on not spending as much money this summer,  don’t go out to eat unless someone else pays for it. It’s hard, but don’t do it. Don’t go out with other people who are going out to eat and plan on “not eating” either. You’ll always end up ordering something and feel bad about it later. Okay! I’m gonna go out to eat now. Byeeee. Oh nooo now I’m out of money. Oh well. Another Friend Of Mine wholeheartedly recommends Turkey Sandwiches(bring one with you wherever you go!)  and 


Since it’s nicer out now, I guess it’s logically feasible to not buy a monthly metro-card and opt to walk more. A lot of people have also urged me to invest in a bike, but I’m too paranoid of getting hit by a car (IT WILL HAPPEN) so I haven’t listened. However, it is true that commuters tend to throw away metrocards that still have money on them.  I recommend picking up as many abandoned Metro-cards as possible off of the ground (etc)  and taking them up to the service desk. You can combine the value of up to ten cards at a time into one usable card, and I’m bad at math, but multiple abandoned metrocards with twenty cents on them each can quickly add up to a couple of “free” rides.


The universe will forgive you if you need to take an apple from a street vendor or embezzle some petty cash to have a nice lunch. WAIT NO, WHAT AM I SAYING? DON’T STEAL. IT IS BAD!!!! But, if you’re desperate, I recently saw a reading of Josh Conkel’s play, I WANT TO DESTROY YOU, where a character talks about depositing $20 into an ATM but imputing $200 as the deposited amount instead. And by the time the bank notices, you already cashed the check. Ooops.


Tip From a Playwright Friend who has to see a lot of movies for research: All movies at AMC Theaters before noon on the weekends cost only $6.50.  None of the staffers seem to care during those hours if you pay for one movie  and spend the whole day going to see four more.  Cobble Hill Cinemas in Brooklyn Heights also have similar pricing on certain days of the week (though it’s impossible to sneak into a few extra at those theaters since it’s so small).


From Misc. Peeps:

-Ride the Free Staten Island Ferry while drinking out of your flask back and fourth for a couple of hours. You will see a great view of the Statue of Liberty

-Take the free Ferry to  Governors Island . It’s weird there.

-Walk the High Line. It’s also weird there but nice.

-Free concerts

-Go lay out at a park and wear a swimming suit. It sort of feels like a vacation ( or you can actually go to the beach if you have time)

-Go to the Metropolitan Museum. Enter through the gift shop to avoid the passive aggressive “recommended donation” line.

-Spend the night at your friend’s house in another borough. Sometimes, if you use your imagination well enough, or smoke enough of your buddy’s weed, Bushwick can feel like Texas.