So, I’m psychic* now. And I wrote some horoscopes that are completely accurate. Enjoy!
JANUARY 2011 HOROSCOPES !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CAPRICORN
(December 22-January 19)
When you status update your woes of being short on rent at the end of the month, a Facebook friend you never met will offer you a gig at a secret foot fetish party. You will consider it because you can make up to $500 in one night (?!?!!!!!). Besides, it doesn’t sound like you have to do much except -worst case scenario-sit there while bearded married men ejaculate on your feet. That’s not so bad!
AQUARIUS
(January 20-Febuary 18)
He will make you a dinner of macaroni & cheese with mashed potatoes, gravy, and baked chicken. You don’t particularly dislike macaroni & cheese or mashed potatoes or gravy or baked chicken (you actually like it a lot) but you will be super annoyed for no reason. When he asks you “what’s wrong,” you will shrug, turn on the television, and eat.
PISCES
(Febuary 19th- March 20)
The loan sharks are after you.
ARIES
(March 21-April 19)
You will never be beautiful enough for your mother. But when the moon meets up with the Sun, Neptune, and decisive Saturn on the 7th of January, you’ll finally just take the initiative and slit her throat. Nobody can tell you that you’re worthless now. Nobody.
TAURUS
(April 20-May 20)
Vivacious Venus makes you realize that after a year of channeling all of your energy into a romantic relationship, you have no friends left. In a panic, you attempt to make brunch plans with an old pal whose calls you’ve been ignoring. When she cancels last minute, you feel empty inside. That night, as you spoon your lover under warm blankets and sheets, you pray that they never, ever, ever leave you. If they did, you would just die. DIE!
GEMINI
(May 21- June 20)
The full moon has you living it up on the 19th and as usual, you spend all of your money on Pom Frits, karaoke and alcohol. You’ll try to call your fuck buddy at 3 a.m. but they wont answer.
CANCER
(June 21-July 22)
Strap on those stilettos! Dynamic Capricorn has you turning heads! Just kidding! But! You will watch “Holidays in Handcuffs” starring Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Heart on Hulu and it will change your life!!!!!
LEO
(July 23- August 22)
The new moon and Mercury in your house of diversion will cause you to start shoplifting again. Be weary of Wallgreens. They have an amazing security system and they WILL send you to jail if you get caught.
VIRGO
(August 23-September 22)
If a certain roommate asks you to be his snuggle buddy, you should say yes next time. The touch of another human is always good, especially in the evening. And who knows? You may even get a surprise!!!!
LIBRA
(September 23- October 22)
With the bright lights of Mars in your house of self-awareness, solid foundations are being created. As you stare into your empty eyes looking back at you in the mirror after getting a little too high, you’ll remind yourself of your father. You vow to never have children so that you can’t hurt them like he did.
SCORPIO
(Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You’ve been acting like a total asshole lately. Perhaps you’re stressed out and tired of the challenges in your life. But when your rich white friend Elizabeth tells you tales of her voluntourism trip to Haiti, you will burst into tears and realize how privileged you actually are. However, this doesn’t stop you from acting like an asshole again the next day.
SAGITTARIUS
(Nov. 22-Dec. 20)
Tell him. Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes! Reach out to him and whisper!! Whisper words so soft and sweet! Hold him close to feel his heart beat!!! Love will be the gift you give yourself! Ooh, never let him go!!!!!
*I’m still trying to write one new little thing a week.
